Starting a family

Three years ago, my wife and I decided to think about starting a family. The decision to start a family was not made like let’s do it. It was more of a reluctant, if it happens, it happens.

Fast-forward about 18–24 months, 2 miscarriages, and numerous emotional roller coasters and pain, both physical and psychological, especially for my wife as I feel like women go through a lot compared to men during pregnancy, we finally had our baby.

I’m writing about this in a software engineering blog because not many people realize how much additional work they have to do as, and after, they become parents.

The months leading to birth

Preparation for the arrival of a newborn is like preparation for a job interview at a FAANG company. There is a lot to think about and learn and relearn, maybe.

If you haven’t had a child just yet and are expecting one or haven’t really spent any time looking after any child, not even your closest sibling’s child, then I’d recommend signing up for an NCT Antenatal Course.

Parental Leave

The other important thing to do is to plan your parental leave. You are going to need all of it. If you are the male parent, you will need it to look after not just the newborn, but also your partner.

So in case you didn’t know, in the UK, there is this thing called Shared Parental Leave and Pay. Both you and your partner, so long as they are working professionals in the UK, you can share 50 weeks of leave and up to 37 weeks of pay between you! Yes, it is true! Read the HMRC website for all the details. But wait, if you work for a mid to large-sized company, you are likely to have some company benefits around parental leave too. That might be complementary to the benefits from HMRC. So combine them both and use them all. Trust me, you’ll need it. You might be inclined to tell yourself that you won’t. But you really do need the time off.

I have a “fur baby” (pet) already

This is great! I appreciate that you love your pet. But remember to plan your pet’s accommodation or some type of ad hoc house-sitting for the pet for the weeks leading to the due date. And you might need to arrange for walks or sitting after the arrival of your baby too - maybe for many more months.

In case you didn’t know: the baby could arrive anytime after 37 weeks really. Doctors will give you the due date as the 40th week. But the baby could come earlier or later. There is no way to predict the exact date and time as this depends on a wide range of factors, especially the health of the mother and various hormones and things that might affect birth. So you should ideally be prepared to welcome a baby by the 37th week.

Shopping for baby things

Give this article - NHS Newborn essentials and get everything they’ve recommended.

Shopping stuff for the new momma

This is a list that I am not qualified to speak about, but you’ll definitely need to help your wife with. I’m going to give you a summary of what we got for our hospital bag as we planned our birth in a hospital.

  • maternity notes
  • birth plan
  • TENS Machine
  • books, magazines, music, other entertainment
  • power-bank for your electronic devices
  • pregnancy pillow
  • anything to lighten the mood - like mood lighting, favourite playlist, even Bluetooth speakers
  • maternity pads, pregnancy knickers
  • towels, gowns, slippers, other pregnancy clothing
  • favourite snack/protein bars, crisps, chocolates, whatever you might like to munch on if your baby doesn’t seem to want to come out on time

For the birth partner or the father or the person accompanying the mother:

  • Carry summer clothes with you. Maternity wards are extra warm as babies cannot regulate their body temperature. Thus, the rooms in these wards are generally heated to around 24 degrees Celsius or more. So even if you are going into labour in peak winter, once inside, it would be a good idea to change into comfortable clothing. This may not be a problem for the mother as they are already in their hospital gown, which is very well ventilated. But for the birth partner, this is crucial to stay comfy and provide all the support you can to your partner.
  • all your favourite reading/listening/watching material and relevant power-banks and earphones

Labour, birth and support

I cannot stress the importance of having family around to help. No matter how independent you have been all your life, you’ll need support as it is just the two of you. You might have to tolerate unwanted advice, but someone who can help bring you food and coffee just as you wished you had it, will make all the difference in the world.

There is a high probability that your birth will be an unplanned c-section. This is perfectly alright and probably the right thing to do under the circumstances. In this case, though, the mother would need additional time to recover. This means, the additional help and support will make even more sense. They may experience pain and hence it is important you give all the support you can and forget sleeping entirely if your child isn’t so much into sleep.

Beyond the first month

As the baby grows, so will you need to purchase more stuff. There is nothing better than recycling baby clothes - as infant clothes are barely worn, and then it is time to throw away or sell it online. So please make use of whatever app or WhatsApp/Facebook groups to get hold of baby clothing, toys, cribs, cots, toys, etc.

You will definitely need to get a bigger crib as the baby grows, plan for something that can convert into a toddler cot etc. You’ll have to plan baby gates or play pens, most importantly you’ll have to find a childminder, or daycare or nursery. Furthermore, you have to start looking before the baby is born, really - as there is often a waiting list for nurseries in London. But if you live in an area with plenty of childminders, you might end up lucky.

Returning to work

By this time, I hope the baby will have transitioned into eating solid foods. Hopefully, the baby will be more than 7 months old.

Returning to work will be challenging. So you are not alone if you feel that way. You have spent a lot of time with your baby and probably had a routine, but as you return to work, your baby will start going to a daycare or whatever. This needs some readjustment of routine. Also, your baby has to ease into this new place and routine. So starting work after a baby can feel like you aren’t doing as much at work as you want to. Trust me, you won’t have the time you had before. So it is normal to feel this way. The important aspect is to make use of the time you have at work really well, prioritize brutally, focus on the most important things only.

Let me remind you of some additional things you now have to do:

  • Sterilization of bottles, teats, breast pumps, teething toys
  • Cooking baby food - We prefer to give freshly cooked meals to our baby, so we cooked twice.
  • pick up and drop off at the child-care facility
  • a couple of nappy changes at least
  • a bathing time
  • multiple feeding times
  • getting your baby to sleep

This is all in addition to the 8–9 hours you spend at work every day. Remote working helps save some time and hence helps you continue to be productive. But if you are unfortunate enough to commute to work, then you are probably losing 2 hours in transit. I strongly recommend looking for job opportunities that you let you flex. The reason this is indispensable is so that you can be present at work when it matters and at home when it matters.

If your manager has never had a child, it is essential to help them understand how many additional responsibilities you have now that you are a parent. Setting boundaries at work is essential, and you’ll realize now why it is crucial, as your time is so much rarer/precious/valuable.

If you are the kind that has personal projects or side hustles, I’d recommend hiring a weekend nanny too. I know these are all expenses, but if you want to balance your life with a baby and still make some money, then you have to invest in all the help you can get. Nothing can beat family, but if you don’t have family, then a good nanny is the best thing you can get.

A new wave of sickness

So the first winter that the child goes to daycare will be the ultimate test of your immune system. You’ll get tiny doses of new strains of viruses fresh out of the daycares. This is the most soul crushing part of parenting that I felt. However, it will be different for everyone. So I can’t speak for all. But yes, your baby will fall sick every week, something new every 7–10 days. You’ll get some of it too. You’ll be exhausted, so will your partner, and your baby will need additional cuddles as they may not be able to sleep well due to their illness.

This is why I’m writing this here. It is important to be mentally and physically prepared for this - stock up on some of the most common over the counter medicines for cold and flu symptoms. Get good lemon and ginger tea, and whatever helps relieve those nasty cold symptoms. And try to empathize with your crying baby. If you are feeling pain, then imagine how much worse it might be for the little one.

Summary

I know that having a child is hard work. However, just as developing someone at work is rewarding, developing a child is so many more times so.

So as much as it is painful while you are at it, it’ll make you a better person as you put yourself through it.

Good luck with your little one. Please remember to look after yourself while you are looking after those you care about.